Tag: Positive Discipline

Happy Thanksgiving and an Update

Posted on by mnurture

I am sitting at my computer looking out on a cold and gray day here in Lancaster, PA. I’ve been a little quiet on the blog, Facebook and Instagram these past few weeks. There’s a good reason for my silence – I’ve been very busy working on my new classroom! At the very end of October I took over a Primary (ages 3-6) classroom at The New School of Lancaster where I ran Toddler summer camp and was hired full time in August to run a parent/one-year-old class and the before school program. Needless to say I’ve been busy getting to know the children in my new class and making the classroom my own.

Now that my other duties are almost complete and the classroom is feeling a little more settled, I hope I can spend more time here on the blog sharing the goodness that is Montessori with you!

We had only one day of school this week due to the Thanksgiving holiday and our parent conferences. Holidays can be challenging affairs with young children and I thought I’d write a little about how you can make your holiday a little more stress free this year.

The first thing to remember is that a holiday is special. Holidays come around only once a year and are usually steeped in family tradition. Children are generally super excited about the holiday and we want to encourage the magic that begets the excitement while also helping our children (and ourselves) to maintain some semblance of sanity so we can enjoy our time together.

So how do we do that????

First and foremost, remember that children need the basics of life: sleep and food. As adults we can hold off on eating because we know there will be lots of food at the special meal but young children can not do this. Try to give your children some healthy food choices throughout the day so they don’t become irritable or have emotional outbursts related to hunger. Also make time for sleep, whether it is going to bed at a reasonable time or getting in a nap or quiet time during the day. Proper food and sleep will help your child (and you!) have a more relaxed and enjoyable holiday.

Next, we have to remember that children crave order and routine. Before the holiday begins, talk to your child about what to expect. Think about your child’s temperament. If you have a child who gets overwhelmed easily, make a plan for what to do when the noise and chaos of a large family gathering becomes overwhelming. Find a quiet spot at Grandma and Grandpa’s house for your child to spend time in order to recharge. 

Remember that the holiday is usually short lived so enjoy it in the moment. Even so, it may take a few days of extra sleep, extra attention and attention to routine to get your child back to his or her regular schedule and personality after the big day is over. 

Here’s hoping you have a joyous holiday season over the next month!

The Child You’ve Got

Posted on by mnurture

I’ve often wondered how my husband and I created two children (both boys), born within 20 months of each other, who are so incredibly different. One is neat, the other messy, one loves to joke around, the other is quite serious. Even their art was divergent. They were only one grade apart in school and often came home after the same art lesson with two very different versions of the same project. I always had a chuckle about how their artwork reflected their personalities. 

The reality is that children are born with very set temperaments or personalities. Some are easier to parent than others. Many times children have the same temperament as their parent or parents and many times they do not. Understanding your child’s temperament will help you (and your nerves) as you work to parent your child.

There are lots of different theories about personality and temperament. I’m going to outline the nine characteristics that were studied by Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas. Hopefully by looking a little closer at these characteristics will help you understand your child a little better. This new consciousness about your child can help you be a little more intentional as you do the very difficult job of being a parent!

  1. Activity Level – the level of motor activity in each individual. If you have a child with a high activity level you know it! These are the kiddos who don’t sit still very well, who love to run (everywhere), jump, roll, and generally cavort most of the time. They love to be outside and have a difficult time sitting for books or group lessons. Low activity children generally love to sit for stories or art projects and often don’t enjoy the great outdoors.
  2. Rhythmicity – the predictability of biological functions (hunger, thirst, sleep, bowel movements). Children with unpredictable rhythmicity will benefit from regular routines.
  3. Initial  Response – the way a child responds to a novel situation or stimulus (new people, new school, new food, etc.) Learning to recognize your child’s unique cues (facial expressions, speech, crying, etc.) will help you respond in nurturing ways. Some children will need more support when faced with new situations while others won’t give you a second thought while they run off with a new friend.
  4. Adaptability – reaction to new situations over time, the ability to adjust and change. Some children need a lot of time before they adjust to a new food or new teacher. For others they happily adjust after one or two tastes of something new.
  5. Sensory Threshold – the level of sensitivity to sensory input. Waking at the slightest noise, sleeping through a thunderstorm; being bothered by a tag, refusing to play with play doh or to paint, loving to get messy, only liking room temperature foods. These are all different ways children can be more or less sensitive to sensory input.
  6. Quality of Mood – the way we react to life – a sunny disposition or finding fault with everything and everybody. If you have a child who tends toward the dark side of mood remember that this isn’t because of anything you did! Honor your child’s negative feelings and model ways of looking on the bright side.
  7. Intensity of Reaction – the way a child responds to situations around them. The school bell is right outside my classroom. When it rings (which it has done every day for 8 months) some students shout and throw themselves to the ground while others just continue working on their current activity. At this point in the year I don’t even respond, we just accept that each child needs to react in his or her own way and we get on with our day.
  8. Distractibility – the way an outside stimulus interferes with present behavior and willingness to be diverted. For some children distractions, whether large or small (hunger, a new person entering the classroom, the phone ringing) will divert their attention from the task at hand and they will not be able to get back to work easily or at all.
  9. Persistence and Attention Span – persistence is the willingness to continue working on an activity in the face of difficulty and attention span refers to the length of time one is able to focus on an activity.These two traits often go hand in hand. Children who have difficulty with these may need additional help and care to learn to build these traits.

We can all look at the above list and pick and choose the traits we would find more convenient to parent. It is important to understand that none of the above is good vs. bad. What is important is to recognize the type of temperament your child exhibits (and to think about your own, as well!) so you can pick and choose the best parenting tools that will work with the child you’ve got. It’s also important to remember that as parents we are working on improvement, not perfection. Using kindness and firmness with children of all temperaments will serve you and your child well. Kindness respects the child for who she is and firmness respects the needs of the situation. In this way you will help your child become a capable, confident, contented person. 

But I didn’t say it would be easy!

Social and Life Skills

Posted on by mnurture

Today I’m going to talk about the fourth need of children: social and life skills. The other needs I’ve talked about are a sense of belonging and significance, perceptions of capability and personal power and autonomy. I find this fourth need goes hand in hand with the second need – feeling capable. Social and life skills are so important for children in every level of their development and are necessary beyond the school years and into adulthood. So much of what we need to do as parents is to teach our children these skills. In fact, our children’s self esteem comes from their skills not from being loved, praised or showered with gifts.

The great thing about this need is that children under age six want to learn these skills often before we think they are able to learn. We have all experienced the two year old who refuses to allow the adult to help but instead says emphatically, “Me do it!” Toddlers and preschoolers are watching all the time. They want to imitate what they see. What do they see? They observe the everyday activities of the adults around them.

Four year old Sebastian is a high energy boy who is often seen zooming through the classroom. He also has some issues with anger management when things don’t go his way. One day he observed me cleaning the classroom easel which gets very dirty. “Can I help?” he asked. I showed him how to put water in the bucket, use the sponge and wet cloths to scrub off the paint and then the dry towel to finish up. He went to work with a vengeance. I watched him for a while and then when I saw his level of concentration, walked away to help some other students. After quite a long time Sebastian called me over to the easel. “Look, Mrs. Bitts! I cleaned it all!” He was beaming from ear to ear. We noticed together how all the paint was removed and he had cleaned the glass bowls and paint brushes until everything looked brand new. He had wiped the water off the floor and put away the bucket and dirty cloths. He had so much pride in himself and his accomplishment.

There are so many ways that we can help young children begin to accumulate skills. As they are learning to do things for themselves and to get along with their peers they are also gaining in self confidence. The book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk  describes six things we can do for our children to encourage autonomy.

  1. Let children make choices. By allowing our children to make limited choices when they are young we are helping them practice for more advanced choices they will be faced with as they grow older. Think about your child’s developmental stage and temperament when giving them choices – Do you want to take your bath before supper or after? Would you like to cut the bananas or wash the lettuce for dinner? 
  2. Show respect for a child’s struggle. Just because something seems easy for us doesn’t mean it is for the child. It can also be difficult to watch our children struggle. We often want to jump in and fix the problem right away. Instead, tell them what you see – It can be hard to zip up your jacket. I find if you fold the fabric back before you try to put the zipper together it can help. You weren’t sure you wanted to jump in the water at your swim lesson today but then you found the courage.
  3. Don’t ask too many questions. No one likes to be pestered. Instead, let your child know you want to hear about his experience or problem when he is ready to share – I’d love to hear about your day with grandma when you want to tell me. 
  4. Don’t rush to answer questions. Allow children to explore the answers for themselves, first – What an interesting question. Why do you think the moon looks so big tonight? I think we have a book about moons, why don’t you get it and we can look through it. 
  5. Encourage children to use resources outside the home. This one may be better for older children but it is important to help children understand that the world is full of information – Let’s ask the dentist how often you should brush your teeth. This also helps keep you from being the heavy all the time!
  6. Don’t take away hope. Young children are full of ideas about what they can do and will do. Let them dream – I want a horse! So you wish you could have a horse. Tell me about it. Of course this doesn’t mean you are going to buy a horse but allowing your child to expound upon his love of horses and dream about what he would do with one allows him to take pleasure in dreaming, anticipating and planning. 

What I want you to take from these posts about the four needs of children is awareness and intention. Be aware of the needs of your children. They are the needs you have as well! Think about a few things you can do to help your children with these needs. None of us is perfect and we will all fall short as parents (usually at least once a day!) but by taking the time to think about these needs you are on the path to giving your child a better head start in school and in life.

Help Me Do It Myself

Posted on by mnurture

 

My last blog post listed the four needs of children and expounded upon the first – belonging and significance. Today we look at the second need, perceptions of capability. The information I am sharing with you is from the book ‘Positive Discipline for Preschoolers’ and is very compatible with the Montessori philosophy. The title of this post is actually a quote from Dr. Montessori herself as she was describing young children. They want you to ‘help me do it myself.’

If you have a two to four year old in your life you have seen their need for independence. Children at this age are learning they are different human beings from mom and dad, sister and brother and exert this independence in sometimes quite inconvenient ways. They insist on doing everything independently, even when they can’t quite do everything themselves. This can be a harrowing time for parents who are in a hurry. 

So why is it so important for young children to feel they are competent? I think we all want our children to learn to make decisions, learn new skills and trust in their abilities. However, if we never give them the time to practice these skills they won’t learn them. Words (‘Great job!) are not enough to instill a sense of confidence in children. Such constant praise only puts children on the path of trying to get more adult attention. Children need to learn through experience that they are capable people. Feeling capable comes from developing solid skills (pouring a drink, cleaning up a spill, changing own clothes, helping make dinner, cleaning up toys, etc.) 

One of the first things my students (ages 3-6) are thrilled with in the classroom is pouring their own drink of water any time they want. For many of them it is the first time they have been given this freedom and responsibility. We have a small glass pitcher and each child has her own cup. They pour their own water any time during the day and drink as much as they want. If something spills, they are responsible to clean it up (after being shown the towels provided for this task and how to do it). Another added benefit of this activity is that at the beginning of the year the students drink so much water that they also get a lot of practice in using the bathroom! 

We can see that something so basic – pouring her own drink whenever she wants it – builds up the child’s confidence. For a lot of the year children tell me when another student spills something. My response is always the same: “I know that (insert name here) knows how to clean up his spill. I don’t need to worry about it.” And guess what? The child always clean up. He has been given the tools and trust to be confident. No ‘good job’ comment can instill that kind of confidence and responsibility. As adults, we need to find more and more ways to give our children the chances to practice being capable. In doing so, they will become capable and confident.

The Need for Belonging and Significance

Posted on by mnurture

There is a huge difference between our children’s wants and needs. Their needs should absolutely be met. When we give in too often to their wants we are creating difficult problems for our children and for ourselves. So first let us ask ourselves, what are their true needs?

  • a sense of belonging and significance
  • perceptions of capability
  • personal power and autonomy
  • social and life skills

If we can help our children with these four needs they will be well on their way to becoming competent, resourceful adults. Chances are they’ll be happy, too.

Today, let’s look at the first need a little closer.

A sense of belonging and significance. This need seems pretty cut and dried. Of course our children need to feel they belong. And of course we know they belong. The question then becomes….do our children know that they belong? Just because we love our children does not mean that we help them to understand they belong. Belonging means to be unconditionally accepted for who we are, no matter our behavior. When children do not feel this sense of belonging and acceptance they become discouraged and often act out on these negative feelings. Here’s what I often see in the classroom:

John didn’t speak in full sentences when he first began in his new preschool at age 4 despite the fact that he was fully capable of doing so. He did not handle transitions well and needed a great deal of attention from the adults around him. During group activities he often had unusual behavior including refusing to follow directions, shouting out nonsense words, refusing to stay in his seat and generally being disruptive. John’s dad was a long distance truck driver whom he only saw a few times a month. John’s mom was responsible for the day to day activities of both her children as well as working long hours. John and his sister attended the before and after school programs – which means they were at school from 7:30a.m. until 5:30 p.m. most days. 

In situations like these the behavior of John and other students I’ve had in class show me that the student does not feel a sense of belonging. They act out to determine if they are really accepted. They often are sure they do not belong and try to ‘prove’ it before someone else lets them know. These children need additional attention, time and teaching. In most situations, the parents are doing their best and they know their child belongs but the child does not believe they belong. It could also be that the birth of baby into the family throws the child’s sense of significance into question. When this occurs (for simple to complex reasons) the child’s belief is often manifested through her behavior. 

In future posts I’ll talk more about what we can do to help but for now we can do the following:

  • Create and follow daily routines. Especially when a change occurs (like a new job or a new baby) children need to feel stability, that their lives have not changed. Routines help young children understand where they belong in the larger scheme of their family.
  • Let your child help. By allowing your child to help with the everyday activities of home you are instilling in her a sense of belonging (I help my dad!) and also providing her with a sense of competence. It is also a great way to spend time with your child. 
  • Spend time. Give each child just a little of your time without strings attached. No matter their behavior during the day, spend just a little one on one time with each child. This can be one story before bed, a cuddle after dinner or a walk around the block. Time is one of the most valuable commodities you can provide for your children. A little goes a long way. 

We all want to belong and feel significant to someone. It is a basic need of all people. Take a little time today to think about your children, your spouse or significant other and yourself. How do feel significant? What have you done today to help others feel they belong? What changes can you make for tomorrow?

~Information for this blog post was gleaned from Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Nelsen, Erwin and Duffy.

In a Preschooler’s Pocket

Posted on by mnurture

A good friend just tagged this article to me on Facebook: Sweet Photo Series Reveals What’s in a Preschooler’s Pocket.To be honest, it made me laugh. I think a companion article should be ‘Sweet Photo Series Reveals What’s in a Preschool TEACHER’S Pocket.’

 

I have to admit that children are my passion. I live for them and live to understand them and to help them grow and develop. If you meet me at a party be prepared for me to bore you out of your mind with stories about children and how amazing they are. 

So, after seeing the above article, you may be thinking, young children steal lots of things from school? Well…yes…if you are thinking like an adult.

But really…no…if you can try to think like a young child. 

To think like a child you must understand her development. Preschool children are very literal and very self centered. They can not yet understand another person’s point of view. In psychological mumbo jumbo this is referred to as ‘Theory of Mind’. They are still learning that they can’t have everything they want when they want it.

So…in the classroom, when a child sees something he finds interesting he wants to take it home. He wants to show his brother or his dad or his mother. He doesn’t have the ability to think about the fact that what he is taking belongs to another person or to another environment (school). 

I have had several instances where parents of young children were horrified when they found objects from school in their child’s pockets or backpack. I’ve even had parents return to school the same day to return items!

Children in the preschool years are in the sensitive period for small things and order. Thus, it makes perfect sense that they are obsessed with those tiny objects they find at school. To be honest, if something small is lost, the best way to find it is to let the children know we are looking for it. They always find it. I never do.

So…back to the preschooler’s pocket treasures. I like to sit back and observe what the child has in his or her pocket. It tells me a lot about the child. It tells me where her interests lie, how I can use those interests to engage the child in learning and, perhaps, where we need more social learning.

If you are the parent of a child with a pocket full of contraband, take a moment to contemplate the items. What do they tell you about your child? How can you use this information to further your child’s education by honing in on his interests? Ask your child some open ended questions about these items. (Where did you find this? Tell me about this rock. What is this? Why do you think this (rock, sparkle, etc.) is interesting? ) Think on the level of your preschooler…’Hey, this thing is cool. I want to keep it.’ rather than, ‘I’m going to sneak this away from my class. Mrs. Bitts won’t miss it.’ 

Remember, preschoolers aren’t socially aware enough to be so deceptive. They are still acting on their immediate desires. We can talk to them about their feelings (I can tell you really liked this shiny star and wanted to keep it forever) and then gently talk to them about the social and moral issues (The rule at school is that we have to keep things that belong to the school at school. You would be sad if you didn’t have the ____ at school to play with. Why don’t you take it back to school tomorrow so someone else can enjoy it and you can share it with your friends.)

When we look through the lens of childhood and understand the developmental stages of our children, these seemingly large issues are put into perspective and make everyone just a little more understanding.

Positive Discipline

Posted on by mnurture

 

My mother used to tell me after the birth of my first son, “You’ve got it easy.” I have to admit I found this piece of information a bit irritating. The truth is, I really did have it easy. My baby was generally quiet, content and met all the developmental milestones on time. Then he turned into a toddler and his brother came along.

I have a vivid memory of being at the mall with my two boys, ages 2 and 3. I think I just wanted to look for some new curtains. We weren’t there long but by the end of the shopping trip I was carrying two screaming children out of the store, one under each arm like footballs. Not my most glorious parenting moment. 

I have quite a few of these unglamorous parenting memories now that my children are in their early twenties. Most parents do. Many of these baffling behavioral conflicts with my children occurred when they were toddlers and preschoolers. During the early years we get used to our children needing us and we sometimes forget that children begin the long journey to adult independence during the toddler and preschool years by starting to have a will of their own.

Children learn from their environment. Maria Montessori called the young child’s ability to pick up information from her environment the ‘Absorbent Mind’. We often hear people talking about children ‘soaking up information like a sponge’. It’s the same thing. Young children have a special ability to learn things unconsciously. It is the only time in our lives that we can and do.

Children also want to be independent beings from the time they begin to scoot across the floor. It is our job as parents and caregivers to help our children become competent, self-disciplined and independent by providing them with a safe and nurturing environment. We need to make sure we understand our children’s development (cognitive and physical) in order to provide them with the proper tools at the proper time.

Parenting is a long term commitment (I’ve been doing it for 22 years, I should know!). As our children grow and change and we struggle to keep up, having a few ‘tricks of the trade’ in our back pocket will help make those rough times more manageable. The book Positive Discipline for Preschoolers  by Nelsen, Erwin and Duffy is a great place to start. So what is Positive Discipline?

  • Mutual respect
  • Understanding the belief behind the behavior
  • Effective Communication
  • Understanding a child’s world
  • Discipline that teaches
  • Focusing on solutions instead of punishment
  • Encouragement
  • Children do better when they feel better

This is quite a list! In the next few weeks and months I’ll expand on these key points to help you better understand how to help your children. For now, let me give you an example from this past year.

Susan (age 4) entered my preschool classroom in tears one morning. The 8th grader who walked her from her car told her, “You’re ok.” The teacher next door gave her a sticker to help her feel better. She was sobbing so she clearly wasn’t ok and wasn’t feeling better. When she entered the room I took her into my lap  and we had this conversation:

“You look so sad. Can you tell me what happened?”

(Through her sobs) “My grandma unbuckled my car seat.”

“Oh, you are sad because your grandma unbuckled your car seat and you wanted to do it yourself.”

“Yes.”

“I can tell that makes you very sad.”

(nods)

“I know you know how to unbuckle your carseat yourself.”

“I do.” (sobs have ceased)

“What could you say to your grandma next time?”

“I could tell her I want to unbuckle my carseat.”

“That sounds like a good solution. Would you like me to walk with you to the coat closet so you can hang up your coat and backpack?”

“Yes!” And our day went merrily on it’s journey.

This interaction might not seem like discipline in the traditional sense of the word. Let’s break it apart a little. I have to admit that when my children were young my response to them in this situation might have been more like the 8th grader’s. ‘You’re ok.’ After all, this situation isn’t really a big deal. Who cares about the car seat unbuckling. Grandma was probably in a hurry. Well…Susan cared. In her 4 year-old world buckling and unbuckling her car seat is a big deal. She probably hasn’t been able to do it for  very long and it makes her feel competent and independent and just like her older brothers when she does it. We call that self esteem. And someone (not on purpose, of course) took that away from her. The teacher who gave her a sticker did so out of love and concern. She wanted to be able to make the child feel better because it hurts us when someone we care about is hurting. Unfortunately, we can not resolve issues and emotions through gifting. It doesn’t get to the root of the problem. Using the tenets of Positive Discipline paired with the Montessori philosophy shows us that by understanding the belief behind the behavior, treating the child with respect, understanding her world (and developmental stage) and providing her with empathy allowed her to feel heard and understood and ultimately to get on with her day. She also had a possible solution for the next time!

I have experiences like this with my young students all the time. I’m sure you can relate! By using Positive Discipline within our families we will not eliminate frustrations or tantrums but we will have the tools to handle them with confidence and to help our children become confident and capable.