Tag: Preschoolers

Happy Thanksgiving and an Update

Posted on by mnurture

I am sitting at my computer looking out on a cold and gray day here in Lancaster, PA. I’ve been a little quiet on the blog, Facebook and Instagram these past few weeks. There’s a good reason for my silence – I’ve been very busy working on my new classroom! At the very end of October I took over a Primary (ages 3-6) classroom at The New School of Lancaster where I ran Toddler summer camp and was hired full time in August to run a parent/one-year-old class and the before school program. Needless to say I’ve been busy getting to know the children in my new class and making the classroom my own.

Now that my other duties are almost complete and the classroom is feeling a little more settled, I hope I can spend more time here on the blog sharing the goodness that is Montessori with you!

We had only one day of school this week due to the Thanksgiving holiday and our parent conferences. Holidays can be challenging affairs with young children and I thought I’d write a little about how you can make your holiday a little more stress free this year.

The first thing to remember is that a holiday is special. Holidays come around only once a year and are usually steeped in family tradition. Children are generally super excited about the holiday and we want to encourage the magic that begets the excitement while also helping our children (and ourselves) to maintain some semblance of sanity so we can enjoy our time together.

So how do we do that????

First and foremost, remember that children need the basics of life: sleep and food. As adults we can hold off on eating because we know there will be lots of food at the special meal but young children can not do this. Try to give your children some healthy food choices throughout the day so they don’t become irritable or have emotional outbursts related to hunger. Also make time for sleep, whether it is going to bed at a reasonable time or getting in a nap or quiet time during the day. Proper food and sleep will help your child (and you!) have a more relaxed and enjoyable holiday.

Next, we have to remember that children crave order and routine. Before the holiday begins, talk to your child about what to expect. Think about your child’s temperament. If you have a child who gets overwhelmed easily, make a plan for what to do when the noise and chaos of a large family gathering becomes overwhelming. Find a quiet spot at Grandma and Grandpa’s house for your child to spend time in order to recharge. 

Remember that the holiday is usually short lived so enjoy it in the moment. Even so, it may take a few days of extra sleep, extra attention and attention to routine to get your child back to his or her regular schedule and personality after the big day is over. 

Here’s hoping you have a joyous holiday season over the next month!

Using observation to problem solve

Posted on by mnurture

Happy autumn, everyone! The weather has finally turned cool here in Lancaster, PA. Whatever the weather in your part of the world, I hope you are finding time to enjoy it. This week I started leading two caregiver/toddler classes at school. It was so much fun! I just love talking with parents and seeing all the fun things their young children are doing. Part of the joy is sitting and watching the children in the environment. They always amaze me. The way they use the materials in the classroom and relate to each other and the adults in the room is so fascinating.

I have children as young as 10 months old in class so I put out a few items that are for younger children including a beautiful wooden ball cylinder from Heirloom Kids. This toy is a rolling cylinder with multicolored balls encased inside. The balls cannot be removed from the cylinder. It is a really beautiful toy for very young children. Older children can become frustrated by this toy because they want to be able to remove the balls from the cylinder (but cannot). This is exactly what happened during our class.

For about 15-20 minutes of our time together, the adults sit together to discuss a topic while the children play and explore the classroom in and around us. One little 13 month old was sitting with her mom trying and trying to put her fingers inside the bars of the cylinder so she could remove the balls. She became very frustrated and was verbally expressing her distress. Another parent brought up a wonderful question,”What do I do when my child becomes terribly frustrated? Do I intervene or let her work it out?” Since our topic for the day was observation, this was a beautiful hands on way to explore the topic. 

We stopped to observe what was going on – the child was trying to put her fingers in the cylinder, she was unhappy and expressing (loudly) frustration with the situation. We also talked about child development. At 13 months she is at a stage where she wants to explore the properties of the container (open, close, take out, put in) and the balls in a more advanced way than this toy allows. Thus, she was extremely frustrated. 

After (quickly) observing the situation and thinking about her developmental level, we introduced another material (a basket with a removable ball) and unobtrusively removed the ball cylinder. She immediately quieted and became interested in the new material.

In addition to talking about observation, we had also been talking about the prepared environment and how we can assist our children just by changing things about the rooms they explore. I explained why I initially put in the ball cylinder (due to young age of a few children) and why after observing all the children in the room (who are capable of more advanced manipulation) I will remove it and replace it with more developmentally appropriate toys next week. 

I hope this little anecdote helps you to focus a little more on observing your children, thinking about their developmental levels and how you can change or enhance the areas of the house-room-garden-yard that they come in contact with. By doing so you are helping your child to grow and develop by removing obstacles and enhancing her learning environment.

 

Create a Children’s Garden

Posted on by mnurture

As I sit at my computer and write this post it is raining cats and dogs outside my window. After several weeks of dry we have come to a week of downpours. I guess it’s an evening out of nature. 

I’ve been a little quiet this summer but wanted to write a blog post about a project I have enjoyed working on over the past few months. I’m pretty passionate about getting children out into nature and in allowing them to explore the natural environment. There is a place for the standard playground equipment but I have seen over many years that children really prefer to have a less structured outdoor space. There is more to discover and create when they are left to use the sticks, stones, leaves and plants that are at their disposal.

We used to have a very large holly tree in front of our house that was surrounded by English Ivy (aka the enemy). We eradicated the ivy soon after we moved into our house and had the tree taken down about two years ago. This left a large grassless oasis. Last summer I attempted to use it as a raised garden but there really isn’t enough full sunlight for that kind of project. So this year I decided to make a children’s garden. 

My own children are grown but we have so many children in the neighborhood I thought it would be fun to create a little spot for our littlest neighbors and their parents. If you have young children, grandchildren or, like me, young neighbors,I encourage you to think about how to make a child-friendly space in your yard.

So what did I do? First I contemplated the space. There were three elements already in place: a dogwood tree, the holly tree stump and a truck tire. The space was also already delineated from the ivy which had killed all the grass in an oval like shape. So I knew the space was shady in the morning which would be a great thing for the children. I then thought about what I knew about young children. They need to move and they learn from their senses. I knew I wanted to add some living pieces that would stand up to children’s curiosity and would feed their sensory systems. Thus I planted catnip and regular mint (just a note that all kinds of mint will spread like crazy so be careful where you plant it). I also wanted to add something that would be visually exciting so added a hyacinth bean vine in the tractor tire and up a decorative piece of metal. The vine gets the best little purple pods! 

For movement, I moved some circular stepping stones from the backyard that were given to me by a good friend. They are arranged throughout the garden just far enough away from each other to allow a few good jumps! I also added a stone pit. Initially I thought I would put some construction vehicles in this space (and I still might) but for the time being there are some big dinosaurs and some little people. 

On the tree stump I added some cars (nature parking lot???). I planted some pots with shade loving plants and one with chives (another great herb for smelling and tasting). A few years ago I made some gnomes out of sticks I whittled from our yard. I added these to the chive pot. When our holly tree was cut down I saved a few tree stumps and added those to the garden for sitting or using a tables. Large mulch filled in the rest.

What was the last thing I did? I invited the neighborhood to come and play. And play they did. I’ve gotten photos from some fun playdates in our yard and have heard snippets of children’s laughter from the yard while I was inside working. What joy!

I’ve started a Pinterest board all about children’s gardens if you want to dig a little deeper into the idea. Click here to see it.  If my children were young I would definitely work more in the back yard to create an open ended space for them to be free, discover and create. For now I’m happy to see the enjoyment in the front of my house.

Have a lovely end of the summer. Remember….get out there and enjoy nature!

The Power of Observation

Posted on by mnurture

One of the key principles that every Montessori teacher learns during training is to observe. As a high school and college student, observation was usually relegated to my science classes. I guess that makes sense since Maria Montessori was trained as a doctor, not as a teacher. In order to learn about children she researched, she created a natural setting for young children and then she sat back and observed the children. 

It was through her detailed observations that she learned so much about young children. She watched them with no preconceived notions. She wanted to find out from the children  how they learned, what was important to them and how to set up the best environment to help them grow and develop. 

As a teacher, when things go awry in the classroom, one of the first things I set out to do is observe the class. Let me give you an example. At the beginning of the year I found that the students had a lot of difficulty lining up at the door (which we need to do several times a day). There was pushing and pulling, arguing and fighting. It was, frankly, mayhem. So, I took a day to observe what was going on during line up time.

When observing, you want to really just watch without opinion. So, in my example, I noticed that the children were bumping into each other, standing very close together, had a difficult time knowing what was in front of rather than beside the next person, etc. 

What I always want to avoid is being negative with the children. I don’t want to be yelling or telling them what they are doing wrong. I strive always to keep things positive (easier said than done). What is best of all is if I can change the environment to solve the problem and keep myself out of it all together.

So, what did I do after observing? I placed small pieces of tape equidistant on the floor on which each child would stand. In this way the children were in a line, each person had their own space and there was less pushing and fighting. Did this solution eliminate all pushing and fighting? No. No solution is ever perfect but this one went a long way in solving our difficulties.

Of course, this example doesn’t really help you as parents. We don’t really line up our children at home! What I do want you to think about is how to observe your children and why it is so important.

In my last post I talked about setting up the environment to help maximize your child’s development. Observation can help you figure out what your child needs at his/her stage of development. So, let’s think about a few of the developmental domains and how observation can help us help our children:

  • fine motor  – watch how your child holds things. Maybe your baby is now able to pick up an object she is looking at with little difficulty. You see your preschooler is now holding a marker with the tripod grip. Your child seems to use his left hand more than his right hand. Your child does not use both hands when drawing, putting together puzzles or eating. So how does this observation help you? If you have a child under the age of one, her fine motor skills will change drastically in this first year. You will want to provide her with toys that will help her refine her grasp and that challenge without too much frustration. Once your child is a preschooler and getting closer to that magical kindergarten age, you may want to make sure he is using both hands together and crossing midline (click here for why this is important). The tripod pencil grip is important for writing in kindergarten. Please note that not all children are developmentally in the same place at kindergarten and the tripod grip is one of these areas that develops at different times in different children. What is important is that you are aware of where your child is as he is entering kindergarten. In this way you can be attuned to things that he might find tiring or frustrating and to give his teacher a heads up.
  • gross motor – watch how your baby moves. Does she try to get that ball that is just out of reach? How long does she work on this before getting too frustrated? Does your preschooler like to climb, jump and catch a large ball or does he prefer to sit on the sidelines? After some time observing we can think about how we are helping or hindering our child’s development. Maybe we are so worried our child is in danger that we don’t let her climb trees or the playground equipment without hovering. Perhaps we are always stepping in at the first sound of our baby’s efforts instead of giving her a little space to work hard towards scooting to that ball that is just out of reach. Often observation (i.e. sitting on our hands so we don’t interfere) helps us change our own behavior by allowing our children to continue their behavior even when it makes us uncomfortable.
  • language/communication – What does your child gravitate toward? What does she like to talk about? What sounds is your baby making? Does she respond when another person repeats her sounds? Does your baby have different types of cries? Does she stop crying on her own sometimes? Are all of her sounds distress or are some just temporary frustration? Does your child use eye contact during communication? What books does your child enjoy? What books does he find boring? What subjects is your child interested in? 
  • social/emotional – How does your child solve problems? Does your preschooler look to you (or another adult) to solve her problems for her or can she problem solve on her own? What makes your child happy, sad, angry, frustrated? How often does your child ask for help? How does your child deal with separation? How does he manage when things don’t go his way?

There is so much I could say about observation. I will leave you with this thought. Take one item about your child/family/situation that drives you crazy. Instead of yelling or talking or reading about solutions…..observe the situation for a day (or two or three). Write down everything you see or hear. Put your emotions aside for a little while. Show your notes to your spouse/partner or a good friend. Brainstorm what you think is going on and how things could change. You may be surprised with the solutions you come up with. 

Here’s my last example (because I love a good story more than empirical evidence!!!) One summer my youngest son participated in a camp at our community park. The camp provided lunch for the participants. I often took my older son (who is diagnosed with autism) to the park to play at the end of the camp period and before lunch. My elder son was typically well behaved. On this particular day, around the time the park was having lunch he was having a melt down (you know, kicking, yelling, not following my direction, etc.). This was quite unusual for him. I looked around at what was happening (the other children were eating) and finally had an ‘aha’ moment. He was hungry. A bag of goldfish crackers later and he was happy, quiet and compliant. 

So I encourage you to observe your children every day. Think about what they are doing, saying and how they are interacting. During times when life is stressful, take a moment (or a day or two) to sit back and observe what is really going on. It is in this kind of reflection that we can help not only our children on their developmental paths but also help ourselves on our parenting paths!

Your Child’s Amazing Mind

Posted on by mnurture

 

From before birth, children are gathering information through their senses from their environment. It is this gathering of information that we call learning. Children between the ages of birth and six have amazing abilities to learn in ways that humans can not recreate during any other period of our lives. Dr. Maria Montessori called this the child’s ‘Absorbent Mind.’ 

You’ve most likely heard children referred to as little sponges. It’s so true, children soak up information like a sponge from their environment. 

First, what do I mean when I use the word environment? In the 21st century when we hear this word we think about nature – the polar bears and the melting ice caps, etc. When referring to child development, I am using the word environment much more broadly. A child’s environment is anything and everything that she comes in contact with: the objects and areas in which she lives and (most importantly) the people with whom she lives and interacts. 

The young child’s brain is constantly building connections to help him grow and learn. We are born with our neurons already formed but the connections have not yet been properly built. So nature (our biology) and nurture (our environment) must work cooperatively to help each child work his way to becoming a fully formed human being. 

Let’s think for a minute of all the things children seem to learn effortlessly during their first three years of life. At birth, children are helpless. They cannot hold up their heads, let alone crawl or walk. They are unable to purposefully grasp and manipulate objects.They communicate only through crying. By the age of three years, children can now walk, run and jump. They can eat independently (and even help prepare the meal!). They have learned an entire language…with no formal schooling!

Think about the last time you tried to learn something even slightly complicated. I’ll use myself as an example. I’ve tried several times to learn to knit. I am already a competent seamstress so I do have some background knowledge about how things fit together and my fine motor skills are pretty good. However, the motor skills involved in knitting are different than those involved in hand sewing or quilting (at which I am quite proficient). So, I’ve read books about knitting, watched videos about knitting and practiced knitting. It’s taken me untold hours and lots of ripping out of yarn to barely learn to knit and purl. 

What does this example tell us? Yes, as adults we can still learn skills but it takes much longer and involves much more work to learn new things than it does if we learn them during the first six years of life. We no longer have an absorbent mind.

So why am I talking about all of this? If our children have absorbent minds we should just sit back and let them get on with learning, right? Not quite. Yes, it is true that children will learn from any environment. So it is vital that we help our children by providing the right kind of environment. In order to do that we must first learn about child development. What is my child working to master right now? In child development there are three basic areas or domains: physical, cognitive and social/emotional. 

If you have a one year old, chances are he is working on learning to walk and then refining his large motor abilities. He is just starting to talk (understanding language more than expressing it). He is learning to communicate his feelings (laughing, crying and moments of serious reflection) and absorbing the feelings of others (ever been in a room where one child starts to cry and in a matter of minutes all the children begin to cry?). As parents we want to provide him with an environment in which he will continue to learn and grow in all three domains. 

No matter what stage your child is in there are things you can do to prepare his environment:

  • Keep things safe. Make sure the physical area your child inhabits is free from dangers. Tuck cords out of sight and reach, cover electrical outlets, put away breakable and swallowable objects.
  • Provide proper toys/furniture. If your child is learning to pull up to stand, a low coffee table or soft ottoman can help him work on this skill independently. Children from 0-6 are very concrete learners. Minimize fantasy and toys related to media (tv and movies). There is plenty of time to show your child your favorite Star Wars movie and characters when he is older and can properly understand the fantasy nature of the show. Provide activities related to your child’s skill level. Put away things he is misusing (throwing or scattering about). This usually happens because the activity is too easy or too complicated. Toys (not too many) should have a clear purpose that your child is able to use or is something she is working to master.
  • Be mindful of your words and the words of others. Children are always listening, even the youngest. Provide books and conversation with lots of vocabulary. Call things by their proper names. Converse with your child while you are doing things with, for and to her. Give a running dialogue about the bath or the diaper change. Speak quietly and gently. Keep background noise (television, radio) to a minimum. Save adult conversations about negative news events or emotionally charged arguments for times your children are asleep or out of the house. Children pick up not only the words you use but the emotions behind them and are not often developmentally ready to understand.
  • Engage all the senses. Children learn through their senses. Provide opportunities to listen to many kinds of music and to hear the different sounds that can be made with instruments or just the crunching of leaves under your feet. Talk about the multiple textures of clothing and blankets, the smells of the herb garden or fruits in your lunch box. Show your child things you love visually (different kinds of birds or trucks or quilt patterns).
  • Go outside. Provide your young child with lots of time in nature. Babies can lay on a soft blanket with you and watch the leaves blowing in the trees and can hear the birds singing. Take a walk and let your toddler lead. Don’t be in a hurry. You will be amazed at your young child’s observational skills, physical skills and the amount of focus he can muster.  
  • Respect your child’s feelings. Remember, young children are learning how the world works. Their brains are changing at an amazing rate. Children are learning to be independent while still being very dependent. It can be a difficult time for them. They may be upset at something you think is insignificant. To the young child, what you see as insignificant may be the most important thing in their narrow world. Honor it by naming it. ‘You seem very sad that I had to take away Grandma’s glass bowl.’ ‘I can tell you are angry that we had to leave the park.’ Honoring emotions is not the same as allowing all behaviors. For more information on emotions, click here.
  • Provide order and a schedule. Young children do better when their world makes sense. They like to know what is going to happen. Bath always comes right after dinner. Daddy always reads two books at bedtime. Grandma watches me when Mommy goes to work. No, you don’t have to have dinner every day at 5:30 on the dot. What is important is that your child knows to expect dinner at a certain time of day. It is helpful to have things orderly as well. Toys are kept in certain areas of the house, easily accessible. Things that are special (maybe art supplies for the very young) are kept out of reach but are used together with older brother or when Daddy comes home from work. Having an orderly environment helps the child form an orderly brain. It helps form concentration and attention. Does that mean you have to be a total neat freak? No. Just remember that your child is absorbing everything in her environment. Having things in order (we eat in the kitchen, bowls, utensils and napkins go in this low cabinet, etc.) assist the child as she is learning about her world.
  • Spend time. This is the most important gift you can give to your children. Figure out a way to spend time enjoying each other’s company every single day. Turn off your phone and power down the tv and computer. Give all of your attention to your child. Sing, cook, put together puzzles, coo with your baby, play games as a family, go to the park. Whatever it is that you do, enjoy it and focus entirely on it. There is no email or phone call or Facebook meme that can impact the world in the same way as giving all of your attention for part of your day to your children. 

Today I challenge you to pick one thing to enhance the environment of your child or children. Think about what they are learning and add (or subtract) something to make that learning more meaningful. And, most importantly, spend time and enjoy your child just as she is, today.

Difficult Emotions

Posted on by mnurture

We are nearing the end of the school year. Yesterday we celebrated our last birthday of the year. Turning five is a huge milestone in a child’s life. It’s the first big change in their young lives. Turning five means going to kindergarten. Often the children tell me they will be leaving my class and moving up to kindergarten the very next day! They often don’t believe me when I explain the actual way children progress into kindergarten. When this is the case I just let them learn by experience instead of starting an argument. And I generally have a good chuckle to myself. It really is quite endearing.

We celebrate birthdays in a very special way and the children look forward to their day with great anticipation. Our birthday girl was super excited to have her mom come to class for the celebration. Unfortunately, is was very difficult for her when her mother had to leave to go back to work. I fully anticipated this great sorrow and did my best to comfort the sobbing child. 

This experience reminded me that I wanted to share with you what I consider to be a key parenting technique at which I often failed when my children were young. It seems so simple but is often very hard: acknowledging feelings. 

Young children are still learning about their feelings and often feel very strongly about things that we do not think matter very much (like having to wait to play with toy). They also may not understand their emotions (being angry when they are actually jealous, etc.). Often we think that by dismissing our child’s emotion (there’s no reason to fuss, it’s just a little paint on your hands) we are helping them cope. In fact, this often has the opposite effect. Think about how you feel when someone denies your feelings or tries to explain them away.

There’s no reason for you to be angry with your boss for taking away your vacation. After all, you are a new worker. You can go on vacation next year. You’ll be fine.

Of course, we would be furious if someone treated us like this. We don’t want to demean our children or deny their feelings just because we may have different feelings. So what can we do?

These suggestions come from the book How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber & Julie King. If you can only read one parenting book I highly recommend you read this one. Here’s what the authors suggest:

  • Acknowledge feelings with words. Name your child’s emotion and put it in a sentence. ‘Oh my, you are so sad that Sally said she isn’t your best friend today.’ ‘I see you are angry because you want to eat your Halloween candy for breakfast and we are having eggs.’ ‘It looks like you are feeling jealous because your sister got to sleep over at Grandma’s house and you have to stay home because you are sick.’ An important thing to remember when your child is dealing with negative feelings is that we want to help her learn to identify and express these feelings in acceptable ways. We must remember to acknowledge all feelings but to limit unacceptable behaviors. So we can help our child know ‘I see you are very angry that Bobby took your ball. You may not hit him to get it back (while you are removing your son from Bobby)’ Sometimes the idea that acknowledging your child’s feelings will help her get on with her day seems unbelievable. I have to say, that I’ve seen it work time and time again.
  • Acknowledge feelings with writing. Remember my birthday girl? She sobbed at recess (and I continued to acknowledge her feelings. ‘I can see how much you miss your mom. It makes you sad that she had to go back to work.’) and then through our book during circle time and as she was getting ready for lunch. So I decided to try another tactic – writing. First I want you to understand that this is a child who does not know how to read. It doesn’t matter. What did I do? I grabbed my handy pack of post-it notes. I told her, ‘we are going to write a note.’ She (and several of her friends) were intrigued. As I wrote I told her what I was writing. I really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY MISS MY MOM!!!!! I tore off the note and told her it was just for her. She put it to her chest and went to get in line. I don’t go down to lunch with the students but saw her after lunch when she happily skipped up to me and said, ‘Mrs. Bitts, I put my note in my lunch box!’ We can also use notes in other ways. If you have a child who has a hard time at the store because he wants you to buy him something, start a list. ‘We are at the grocery store for food but I can see you really would like me to buy that toy. Let’s start a list so grandma knows what you want for Christmas. We can keep it on the refrigerator at home.’ 
  • Acknowledge feelings with art. This is similar to putting feelings into writing. You can chose to draw a picture of how your child feels or let your child draw out her feelings. My eldest son is diagnosed with autism. School was often very difficult for him, especially when he was young. When I would notice he was in a bad place after school, we would get out the paper and markers and he would start drawing. He knew how to draw shapes and he gave them faces – happy, sad, angry, etc. After spending time drawing he would again be in a calm mood and we could have a positive evening at home. We didn’t necessarily have to talk about what was upsetting him. He didn’t always know, just that school was hard and gave him a lot of anxiety. Drawing helped him lose the negativity of school and remember that home was a happy, safe place.
  • Give in fantasy what you cannot give in reality. This can be a fun one! I have to admit I don’t always remember to use it though. One day one of my students wanted to play with our Light Brite but another child was busy using it. The child became very angry that he couldn’t play with it right away (this child has a lot of anger issues related to some early trauma). I acknowledged his feelings and then said, ‘Do you know what I wish? I wish I had enough Light Brite’s for the whole class to use at once.’ Well, he got a new look in his eye and ran with it. He responded, ‘I wish we had enough to fill up this whole classroom!’ We continued our wishes back and forth and got quite silly. After our conversation he went about finding something to do instead of flinging himself on the ground or physically acting out.
  • Acknowledge feelings with (almost) silent attention. Sometimes children just want you to listen to them without saying much. Oh? Hmmm. I see. All of these little words let your child know you are listening attentively to her. You aren’t trying to solve her problem or to ask a lot of questions to find out more. You can do that later when she is calm. Just listening is often enough to get a child through the difficult emotion.

The last think I want you to remember is that none of this is a magic pill that will keep your child from negative feelings. We all have negative feelings. What we hope to achieve are young people who understand their feelings and learn productive ways to handle them. As parents it is so horrible to see our children suffering. We all want to make it better. By trying to solve our children’s problems or by denying their negative feelings we are stealing valuable learning from them! When children are able to work through their feelings and ultimately their problems we are providing them with tools that will help them be successful throughout their lives, not just in the moment. 

The Child You’ve Got

Posted on by mnurture

I’ve often wondered how my husband and I created two children (both boys), born within 20 months of each other, who are so incredibly different. One is neat, the other messy, one loves to joke around, the other is quite serious. Even their art was divergent. They were only one grade apart in school and often came home after the same art lesson with two very different versions of the same project. I always had a chuckle about how their artwork reflected their personalities. 

The reality is that children are born with very set temperaments or personalities. Some are easier to parent than others. Many times children have the same temperament as their parent or parents and many times they do not. Understanding your child’s temperament will help you (and your nerves) as you work to parent your child.

There are lots of different theories about personality and temperament. I’m going to outline the nine characteristics that were studied by Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas. Hopefully by looking a little closer at these characteristics will help you understand your child a little better. This new consciousness about your child can help you be a little more intentional as you do the very difficult job of being a parent!

  1. Activity Level – the level of motor activity in each individual. If you have a child with a high activity level you know it! These are the kiddos who don’t sit still very well, who love to run (everywhere), jump, roll, and generally cavort most of the time. They love to be outside and have a difficult time sitting for books or group lessons. Low activity children generally love to sit for stories or art projects and often don’t enjoy the great outdoors.
  2. Rhythmicity – the predictability of biological functions (hunger, thirst, sleep, bowel movements). Children with unpredictable rhythmicity will benefit from regular routines.
  3. Initial  Response – the way a child responds to a novel situation or stimulus (new people, new school, new food, etc.) Learning to recognize your child’s unique cues (facial expressions, speech, crying, etc.) will help you respond in nurturing ways. Some children will need more support when faced with new situations while others won’t give you a second thought while they run off with a new friend.
  4. Adaptability – reaction to new situations over time, the ability to adjust and change. Some children need a lot of time before they adjust to a new food or new teacher. For others they happily adjust after one or two tastes of something new.
  5. Sensory Threshold – the level of sensitivity to sensory input. Waking at the slightest noise, sleeping through a thunderstorm; being bothered by a tag, refusing to play with play doh or to paint, loving to get messy, only liking room temperature foods. These are all different ways children can be more or less sensitive to sensory input.
  6. Quality of Mood – the way we react to life – a sunny disposition or finding fault with everything and everybody. If you have a child who tends toward the dark side of mood remember that this isn’t because of anything you did! Honor your child’s negative feelings and model ways of looking on the bright side.
  7. Intensity of Reaction – the way a child responds to situations around them. The school bell is right outside my classroom. When it rings (which it has done every day for 8 months) some students shout and throw themselves to the ground while others just continue working on their current activity. At this point in the year I don’t even respond, we just accept that each child needs to react in his or her own way and we get on with our day.
  8. Distractibility – the way an outside stimulus interferes with present behavior and willingness to be diverted. For some children distractions, whether large or small (hunger, a new person entering the classroom, the phone ringing) will divert their attention from the task at hand and they will not be able to get back to work easily or at all.
  9. Persistence and Attention Span – persistence is the willingness to continue working on an activity in the face of difficulty and attention span refers to the length of time one is able to focus on an activity.These two traits often go hand in hand. Children who have difficulty with these may need additional help and care to learn to build these traits.

We can all look at the above list and pick and choose the traits we would find more convenient to parent. It is important to understand that none of the above is good vs. bad. What is important is to recognize the type of temperament your child exhibits (and to think about your own, as well!) so you can pick and choose the best parenting tools that will work with the child you’ve got. It’s also important to remember that as parents we are working on improvement, not perfection. Using kindness and firmness with children of all temperaments will serve you and your child well. Kindness respects the child for who she is and firmness respects the needs of the situation. In this way you will help your child become a capable, confident, contented person. 

But I didn’t say it would be easy!

Social and Life Skills

Posted on by mnurture

Today I’m going to talk about the fourth need of children: social and life skills. The other needs I’ve talked about are a sense of belonging and significance, perceptions of capability and personal power and autonomy. I find this fourth need goes hand in hand with the second need – feeling capable. Social and life skills are so important for children in every level of their development and are necessary beyond the school years and into adulthood. So much of what we need to do as parents is to teach our children these skills. In fact, our children’s self esteem comes from their skills not from being loved, praised or showered with gifts.

The great thing about this need is that children under age six want to learn these skills often before we think they are able to learn. We have all experienced the two year old who refuses to allow the adult to help but instead says emphatically, “Me do it!” Toddlers and preschoolers are watching all the time. They want to imitate what they see. What do they see? They observe the everyday activities of the adults around them.

Four year old Sebastian is a high energy boy who is often seen zooming through the classroom. He also has some issues with anger management when things don’t go his way. One day he observed me cleaning the classroom easel which gets very dirty. “Can I help?” he asked. I showed him how to put water in the bucket, use the sponge and wet cloths to scrub off the paint and then the dry towel to finish up. He went to work with a vengeance. I watched him for a while and then when I saw his level of concentration, walked away to help some other students. After quite a long time Sebastian called me over to the easel. “Look, Mrs. Bitts! I cleaned it all!” He was beaming from ear to ear. We noticed together how all the paint was removed and he had cleaned the glass bowls and paint brushes until everything looked brand new. He had wiped the water off the floor and put away the bucket and dirty cloths. He had so much pride in himself and his accomplishment.

There are so many ways that we can help young children begin to accumulate skills. As they are learning to do things for themselves and to get along with their peers they are also gaining in self confidence. The book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk  describes six things we can do for our children to encourage autonomy.

  1. Let children make choices. By allowing our children to make limited choices when they are young we are helping them practice for more advanced choices they will be faced with as they grow older. Think about your child’s developmental stage and temperament when giving them choices – Do you want to take your bath before supper or after? Would you like to cut the bananas or wash the lettuce for dinner? 
  2. Show respect for a child’s struggle. Just because something seems easy for us doesn’t mean it is for the child. It can also be difficult to watch our children struggle. We often want to jump in and fix the problem right away. Instead, tell them what you see – It can be hard to zip up your jacket. I find if you fold the fabric back before you try to put the zipper together it can help. You weren’t sure you wanted to jump in the water at your swim lesson today but then you found the courage.
  3. Don’t ask too many questions. No one likes to be pestered. Instead, let your child know you want to hear about his experience or problem when he is ready to share – I’d love to hear about your day with grandma when you want to tell me. 
  4. Don’t rush to answer questions. Allow children to explore the answers for themselves, first – What an interesting question. Why do you think the moon looks so big tonight? I think we have a book about moons, why don’t you get it and we can look through it. 
  5. Encourage children to use resources outside the home. This one may be better for older children but it is important to help children understand that the world is full of information – Let’s ask the dentist how often you should brush your teeth. This also helps keep you from being the heavy all the time!
  6. Don’t take away hope. Young children are full of ideas about what they can do and will do. Let them dream – I want a horse! So you wish you could have a horse. Tell me about it. Of course this doesn’t mean you are going to buy a horse but allowing your child to expound upon his love of horses and dream about what he would do with one allows him to take pleasure in dreaming, anticipating and planning. 

What I want you to take from these posts about the four needs of children is awareness and intention. Be aware of the needs of your children. They are the needs you have as well! Think about a few things you can do to help your children with these needs. None of us is perfect and we will all fall short as parents (usually at least once a day!) but by taking the time to think about these needs you are on the path to giving your child a better head start in school and in life.