Author: mnurture

All About Books Part 2: Toddlers

Posted on by mnurture

Happy June! It has turned hot and humid here in Pennsylvania this week. We don’t have air conditioning at our house and since it’s too hot to go out into my garden I’ve been enjoying sitting with our new little kitten while reading. She’s quite playful so I don’t always get a lot of reading done until she tires herself out. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a kitten in the house so I don’t mind!

I’ve also been having a blast getting to know some new children at Montessori Toddler Camp. We’re into week two now. One of the areas of the classroom is always a little library. I love to see which books the children want me to read over and over and over. In my last post I listed a few things to think about when choosing books for children under six. Here’s that list: 

  • Find books with beautiful illustrations.
  • The words should use rich language. Children from 0-6 are in a sensitive period for language. They have a capacity to learn words almost effortlessly during this period of life. Let’s give them the proper names for everything and help them learn to describe what they see in multiple ways!
  • Keep it concrete. Choose stories and books that are about real life. 
  • Match the word/illustration ratio to your child’s developmental stage. This means few words and simple illustrations for babies and increasing words and more complicated illustrations for older children.

Today I wanted to talk a little about books and Toddlers. I don’t love the term toddler although we use it quite a lot in the U.S. When I say toddler, I’m speaking of a child who is walking (9-18 months) until about 2.5-3 years. As always, I like to think about the developmental stages of this age group before choosing toys, activities and books. So, what do we know about toddlers?

  • They are in the sensitive period for language. Children learn words and the rules of sentence structure during this time. The more language rich their environment, the better.
  • Toddlers continue to learn through their senses. We want to try to incorporate all the senses into their learning as much as possible. Hands on activities are best.
  • Toddlers are refining their gross and fine motor skills. They are always on the move. 
  • This age group learns through repetition. They do not tire of things in the same way they will when they are older. 
  • These children are concrete learners and are very self centered (in a good way). They want information that pertains to their world.

How do we use this developmental information to help us choose books? During this time children will often look at books on their own as well as with you. Help your child learn to turn pages and to treat books with respect. Having a little shelf or basket with 6-10 books available at a time in a common area or in two parts of the house will give your child lots of opportunities to look at books and for you to read to him or her. You will have to decide when your child is ready for books that use paper instead of cardboard. If your child is rough with her books you may choose to keep the paper books out of her reach until she is ready to use them without ripping or throwing. Watching you take care with the books is the best way to teach a child how to care for them. 

Take trips to the library if your child is able to handle it. Our local library has a lovely two tiered half circle seating area surrounded by books in the children’s section. When my boys were toddlers they only wanted to jump off this instead of looking at books. I decided they were not yet ready for the library and left them home with my husband while I searched the library for books to bring home. When they were older they loved going to the library to pick out their own books and had the self restraint to resist jumping of the seating. 

At this age still try to find books that talk about daily life, that have a few more words and may have more complicated photos. Toddlers love to look at the photographs and drawings in books and to talk about them. This is all language learning. The more language you can provide to your young child the more success he will have when he begins learning to read himself. Knowledge of vocabulary words is such an important step in reading readiness.

Here are a few suggestions for Toddler books:

  • My First Body Book (DK) – children love to point to the different body parts in the book and then on their own bodies.
  • My First Things that Go (DK) – vehicles of all sorts to look at and talk about. Take it in the car and see if you can find the real vehicles that are in the book.
  • Richard Scarry’s Cars and Trucks from A-Z (R. Scarry) – A precursor to the classic book Cars and Trucks and Things that Go. 
  • Noisy Farm (Usborne) – Buttons to press to hear the sounds of the farm. Also check out Noisy Train, Noisy Orchestra and Noisy Diggers.
  • Birds (Kevin Henkes) – Beautiful illustrations  by Laura Dronzek and a simple story about all the characteristics of birds: color, shape, size, movement and much more. We have so many birds in our backyard this book was a great one to use when thinking about the birds in nature and learning to look at all their characteristics.
  • 1-2-3 ZooBorns! (Scholastic) – Children love looking at wild animals and photographs of cute baby animals are even better! This is also a counting book.
  • My Dog Spot (Jack and Norma Levin) – This is a lovely book about a dog named Spot. The illustrations are simple and lovely and there is some amazing language used throughout the book ( He laughs by yiping, Yipe-yipe.). The story may seem so simple (Spot likes to chase cats and birds and rabbits and put his head out the window when Daddy takes him for a ride in the car.) but this is the stuff of real life that toddlers can’t get enough of!

This is just a very short list of amazing books that you can read to your young child. Take every opportunity to bring books into not only your toddler’s life but also into your own. Seeing his parents enjoy reading will encourage your child’s enjoyment, too.

I hesitate to recommend reading books on electronic devices whenever possible. Often the device is more appealing than the story. Your child also loses the fine motor practice of using her pincher grip to turn pages and to have the sensory experience of the paper in her hands. These are important learning experiences and steps to later skills such as writing.

Next week I’m going to talk about books for preschoolers. I’m hoping to blog in a different format so stay tuned! I hope you are having a relaxing and enjoyable summer. Now, back to my book (and the kitten)!

 

All About Books Part 1: Babies

Posted on by mnurture

June is here! I don’t know about you, but summer always makes me head to the library for some new books. Although I always have a non-fiction book about child development or how the brain learns language or some Montessori philosophy book or other on my bedside table, I also welcome summer with a stack of fun fiction. Something to lose myself in and to relax once my school year has finished. I also just reorganized my children’s books. I pulled out the books that I might want to use for the Toddler Camp I’m heading up at a local Montessori School and purged a few boxes of books that I never used. All this book sorting and library going made me think about how important books are to children and how important it is to have a little knowledge about how to pick books for different ages. So this is the first of three blog posts about books.

Today I want to talk to you about babies and books. I think it is so important when choosing anything for a child (be it clothing, books, games, furniture or toys) that we first think about that child’s developmental stage. So what do we need to know about babies before we choose books? And for this post, I’m talking about children from birth to 12 months. 

The first year of life is full of tremendous changes. Your baby is born with limited abilities. She can’t focus her eyes very well and not very far (about from breast to mom’s face). She isn’t able to purposefully grasp any object and can’t really move on her own. At one year of age she is a very different child! Some children are walking and running and have started saying a few words. Her skills with her hands and fingers may have progressed from whole hand raking of objects to beginning to pick things up with thumb and finger (although very unrefined).

How does this help us choose books? Perhaps most importantly we need to remember that children at this age have what we refer to as an Absorbent Mind. They are unconsciously learning from their environment. So we want to make their experiences as rich as possible. Here are a few tips when choosing books for children under age 6.

  • Find books with beautiful illustrations.
  • The words should use rich language. Children from 0-6 are in a sensitive period for language. They have a capacity to learn words almost effortlessly during this period of life. Let’s give them the proper names for everything and help them learn to describe what they see in multiple ways!
  • Keep it concrete. Choose stories and books that are about real life. 
  • Match the word/illustration ratio to your child’s developmental stage. This means few words and simple illustrations for babies and increasing words and more complicated illustrations for older children.

For infants you may want to choose books that are all illustration and are printed in black and white. I love these books by Tana Hoban. 

Of course for an infant, I also recommend reading anything outloud (being mindful of the content, of course!). Babies are listening to everything about our language. They are taking in our inflection, cadence and how we break apart sounds and sentences. Reading to your baby (and even your unborn child) is helping him learn to understand and speak even if he won’t be able to do so for a long time!

Other books that are lovely in the first year of life involve few words on the page, simple illustrations and are generally sturdy for little hands to explore (ie: the board book!). Books that have some sensory component to them are great as well since your child is learning through all his senses, not just visually. Here are a few I love.

  • Baby Touch and Feel Animals (DK). This book shows photographs of real animals, one per page, with something to feel on each.
  • Hello Baby! by Mem Fox and illustrated by Steve Jenkins. I adore both these people. Mem Fox just seems to understand children and what speaks to them at many ages. Steve Jenkins uses beautiful handmade paper to create lifelike animals. The language in this book is rich, too. “Perhaps you’re a porcupine, twitching its nose. Are you an eagle exploring the skies?”
  • Amazing Feelings (Scholastic). Shows simple photographs of real children with real feelings.
  • I See by Helen Oxenbury. A simple book about exploring the world. Also check out I Touch and I Can.
  • Touch, Think, Learn: Farm by Xavier Deneux. Each two page spread features a raised animal that fits into the opposite page scooped cutout. The other thing that caught my eye about this book is that each two page spread includes vocabulary words to help describe the page. For instance on the page with the donkey the words include “mane, saddle, hoof, muzzle, ear, grass, tail, carrot, grazing, swishing.” This is perfect help for tired parents!!!
  • The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle. This book is a classic. I spent hours (no, years) reading and re-reading this book to my boys. They especially loved the page that described all the people food the caterpillar ate and then made a big deal about how sick he got! 

I could go on and on but this gives you a little sampling of the type of books your baby will love. I always try to keep a little basket of books in our general living area that I rotate. Don’t overwhelm your child with too many at a time. And, perhaps most importantly, if your child doesn’t seem interested in a book put it away and keep searching for the books she enjoys. Use your local library, too. We have wonderful libraries in our town and the librarians are a wealth of information. 

I hope this information was helpful to you. I’d love to hear about the books your children love. Post them in the comments, please! Next week I’ll be sharing part 2: Books for Toddlers.

The Power of Observation

Posted on by mnurture

One of the key principles that every Montessori teacher learns during training is to observe. As a high school and college student, observation was usually relegated to my science classes. I guess that makes sense since Maria Montessori was trained as a doctor, not as a teacher. In order to learn about children she researched, she created a natural setting for young children and then she sat back and observed the children. 

It was through her detailed observations that she learned so much about young children. She watched them with no preconceived notions. She wanted to find out from the children  how they learned, what was important to them and how to set up the best environment to help them grow and develop. 

As a teacher, when things go awry in the classroom, one of the first things I set out to do is observe the class. Let me give you an example. At the beginning of the year I found that the students had a lot of difficulty lining up at the door (which we need to do several times a day). There was pushing and pulling, arguing and fighting. It was, frankly, mayhem. So, I took a day to observe what was going on during line up time.

When observing, you want to really just watch without opinion. So, in my example, I noticed that the children were bumping into each other, standing very close together, had a difficult time knowing what was in front of rather than beside the next person, etc. 

What I always want to avoid is being negative with the children. I don’t want to be yelling or telling them what they are doing wrong. I strive always to keep things positive (easier said than done). What is best of all is if I can change the environment to solve the problem and keep myself out of it all together.

So, what did I do after observing? I placed small pieces of tape equidistant on the floor on which each child would stand. In this way the children were in a line, each person had their own space and there was less pushing and fighting. Did this solution eliminate all pushing and fighting? No. No solution is ever perfect but this one went a long way in solving our difficulties.

Of course, this example doesn’t really help you as parents. We don’t really line up our children at home! What I do want you to think about is how to observe your children and why it is so important.

In my last post I talked about setting up the environment to help maximize your child’s development. Observation can help you figure out what your child needs at his/her stage of development. So, let’s think about a few of the developmental domains and how observation can help us help our children:

  • fine motor  – watch how your child holds things. Maybe your baby is now able to pick up an object she is looking at with little difficulty. You see your preschooler is now holding a marker with the tripod grip. Your child seems to use his left hand more than his right hand. Your child does not use both hands when drawing, putting together puzzles or eating. So how does this observation help you? If you have a child under the age of one, her fine motor skills will change drastically in this first year. You will want to provide her with toys that will help her refine her grasp and that challenge without too much frustration. Once your child is a preschooler and getting closer to that magical kindergarten age, you may want to make sure he is using both hands together and crossing midline (click here for why this is important). The tripod pencil grip is important for writing in kindergarten. Please note that not all children are developmentally in the same place at kindergarten and the tripod grip is one of these areas that develops at different times in different children. What is important is that you are aware of where your child is as he is entering kindergarten. In this way you can be attuned to things that he might find tiring or frustrating and to give his teacher a heads up.
  • gross motor – watch how your baby moves. Does she try to get that ball that is just out of reach? How long does she work on this before getting too frustrated? Does your preschooler like to climb, jump and catch a large ball or does he prefer to sit on the sidelines? After some time observing we can think about how we are helping or hindering our child’s development. Maybe we are so worried our child is in danger that we don’t let her climb trees or the playground equipment without hovering. Perhaps we are always stepping in at the first sound of our baby’s efforts instead of giving her a little space to work hard towards scooting to that ball that is just out of reach. Often observation (i.e. sitting on our hands so we don’t interfere) helps us change our own behavior by allowing our children to continue their behavior even when it makes us uncomfortable.
  • language/communication – What does your child gravitate toward? What does she like to talk about? What sounds is your baby making? Does she respond when another person repeats her sounds? Does your baby have different types of cries? Does she stop crying on her own sometimes? Are all of her sounds distress or are some just temporary frustration? Does your child use eye contact during communication? What books does your child enjoy? What books does he find boring? What subjects is your child interested in? 
  • social/emotional – How does your child solve problems? Does your preschooler look to you (or another adult) to solve her problems for her or can she problem solve on her own? What makes your child happy, sad, angry, frustrated? How often does your child ask for help? How does your child deal with separation? How does he manage when things don’t go his way?

There is so much I could say about observation. I will leave you with this thought. Take one item about your child/family/situation that drives you crazy. Instead of yelling or talking or reading about solutions…..observe the situation for a day (or two or three). Write down everything you see or hear. Put your emotions aside for a little while. Show your notes to your spouse/partner or a good friend. Brainstorm what you think is going on and how things could change. You may be surprised with the solutions you come up with. 

Here’s my last example (because I love a good story more than empirical evidence!!!) One summer my youngest son participated in a camp at our community park. The camp provided lunch for the participants. I often took my older son (who is diagnosed with autism) to the park to play at the end of the camp period and before lunch. My elder son was typically well behaved. On this particular day, around the time the park was having lunch he was having a melt down (you know, kicking, yelling, not following my direction, etc.). This was quite unusual for him. I looked around at what was happening (the other children were eating) and finally had an ‘aha’ moment. He was hungry. A bag of goldfish crackers later and he was happy, quiet and compliant. 

So I encourage you to observe your children every day. Think about what they are doing, saying and how they are interacting. During times when life is stressful, take a moment (or a day or two) to sit back and observe what is really going on. It is in this kind of reflection that we can help not only our children on their developmental paths but also help ourselves on our parenting paths!

Your Child’s Amazing Mind

Posted on by mnurture

 

From before birth, children are gathering information through their senses from their environment. It is this gathering of information that we call learning. Children between the ages of birth and six have amazing abilities to learn in ways that humans can not recreate during any other period of our lives. Dr. Maria Montessori called this the child’s ‘Absorbent Mind.’ 

You’ve most likely heard children referred to as little sponges. It’s so true, children soak up information like a sponge from their environment. 

First, what do I mean when I use the word environment? In the 21st century when we hear this word we think about nature – the polar bears and the melting ice caps, etc. When referring to child development, I am using the word environment much more broadly. A child’s environment is anything and everything that she comes in contact with: the objects and areas in which she lives and (most importantly) the people with whom she lives and interacts. 

The young child’s brain is constantly building connections to help him grow and learn. We are born with our neurons already formed but the connections have not yet been properly built. So nature (our biology) and nurture (our environment) must work cooperatively to help each child work his way to becoming a fully formed human being. 

Let’s think for a minute of all the things children seem to learn effortlessly during their first three years of life. At birth, children are helpless. They cannot hold up their heads, let alone crawl or walk. They are unable to purposefully grasp and manipulate objects.They communicate only through crying. By the age of three years, children can now walk, run and jump. They can eat independently (and even help prepare the meal!). They have learned an entire language…with no formal schooling!

Think about the last time you tried to learn something even slightly complicated. I’ll use myself as an example. I’ve tried several times to learn to knit. I am already a competent seamstress so I do have some background knowledge about how things fit together and my fine motor skills are pretty good. However, the motor skills involved in knitting are different than those involved in hand sewing or quilting (at which I am quite proficient). So, I’ve read books about knitting, watched videos about knitting and practiced knitting. It’s taken me untold hours and lots of ripping out of yarn to barely learn to knit and purl. 

What does this example tell us? Yes, as adults we can still learn skills but it takes much longer and involves much more work to learn new things than it does if we learn them during the first six years of life. We no longer have an absorbent mind.

So why am I talking about all of this? If our children have absorbent minds we should just sit back and let them get on with learning, right? Not quite. Yes, it is true that children will learn from any environment. So it is vital that we help our children by providing the right kind of environment. In order to do that we must first learn about child development. What is my child working to master right now? In child development there are three basic areas or domains: physical, cognitive and social/emotional. 

If you have a one year old, chances are he is working on learning to walk and then refining his large motor abilities. He is just starting to talk (understanding language more than expressing it). He is learning to communicate his feelings (laughing, crying and moments of serious reflection) and absorbing the feelings of others (ever been in a room where one child starts to cry and in a matter of minutes all the children begin to cry?). As parents we want to provide him with an environment in which he will continue to learn and grow in all three domains. 

No matter what stage your child is in there are things you can do to prepare his environment:

  • Keep things safe. Make sure the physical area your child inhabits is free from dangers. Tuck cords out of sight and reach, cover electrical outlets, put away breakable and swallowable objects.
  • Provide proper toys/furniture. If your child is learning to pull up to stand, a low coffee table or soft ottoman can help him work on this skill independently. Children from 0-6 are very concrete learners. Minimize fantasy and toys related to media (tv and movies). There is plenty of time to show your child your favorite Star Wars movie and characters when he is older and can properly understand the fantasy nature of the show. Provide activities related to your child’s skill level. Put away things he is misusing (throwing or scattering about). This usually happens because the activity is too easy or too complicated. Toys (not too many) should have a clear purpose that your child is able to use or is something she is working to master.
  • Be mindful of your words and the words of others. Children are always listening, even the youngest. Provide books and conversation with lots of vocabulary. Call things by their proper names. Converse with your child while you are doing things with, for and to her. Give a running dialogue about the bath or the diaper change. Speak quietly and gently. Keep background noise (television, radio) to a minimum. Save adult conversations about negative news events or emotionally charged arguments for times your children are asleep or out of the house. Children pick up not only the words you use but the emotions behind them and are not often developmentally ready to understand.
  • Engage all the senses. Children learn through their senses. Provide opportunities to listen to many kinds of music and to hear the different sounds that can be made with instruments or just the crunching of leaves under your feet. Talk about the multiple textures of clothing and blankets, the smells of the herb garden or fruits in your lunch box. Show your child things you love visually (different kinds of birds or trucks or quilt patterns).
  • Go outside. Provide your young child with lots of time in nature. Babies can lay on a soft blanket with you and watch the leaves blowing in the trees and can hear the birds singing. Take a walk and let your toddler lead. Don’t be in a hurry. You will be amazed at your young child’s observational skills, physical skills and the amount of focus he can muster.  
  • Respect your child’s feelings. Remember, young children are learning how the world works. Their brains are changing at an amazing rate. Children are learning to be independent while still being very dependent. It can be a difficult time for them. They may be upset at something you think is insignificant. To the young child, what you see as insignificant may be the most important thing in their narrow world. Honor it by naming it. ‘You seem very sad that I had to take away Grandma’s glass bowl.’ ‘I can tell you are angry that we had to leave the park.’ Honoring emotions is not the same as allowing all behaviors. For more information on emotions, click here.
  • Provide order and a schedule. Young children do better when their world makes sense. They like to know what is going to happen. Bath always comes right after dinner. Daddy always reads two books at bedtime. Grandma watches me when Mommy goes to work. No, you don’t have to have dinner every day at 5:30 on the dot. What is important is that your child knows to expect dinner at a certain time of day. It is helpful to have things orderly as well. Toys are kept in certain areas of the house, easily accessible. Things that are special (maybe art supplies for the very young) are kept out of reach but are used together with older brother or when Daddy comes home from work. Having an orderly environment helps the child form an orderly brain. It helps form concentration and attention. Does that mean you have to be a total neat freak? No. Just remember that your child is absorbing everything in her environment. Having things in order (we eat in the kitchen, bowls, utensils and napkins go in this low cabinet, etc.) assist the child as she is learning about her world.
  • Spend time. This is the most important gift you can give to your children. Figure out a way to spend time enjoying each other’s company every single day. Turn off your phone and power down the tv and computer. Give all of your attention to your child. Sing, cook, put together puzzles, coo with your baby, play games as a family, go to the park. Whatever it is that you do, enjoy it and focus entirely on it. There is no email or phone call or Facebook meme that can impact the world in the same way as giving all of your attention for part of your day to your children. 

Today I challenge you to pick one thing to enhance the environment of your child or children. Think about what they are learning and add (or subtract) something to make that learning more meaningful. And, most importantly, spend time and enjoy your child just as she is, today.

Difficult Emotions

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We are nearing the end of the school year. Yesterday we celebrated our last birthday of the year. Turning five is a huge milestone in a child’s life. It’s the first big change in their young lives. Turning five means going to kindergarten. Often the children tell me they will be leaving my class and moving up to kindergarten the very next day! They often don’t believe me when I explain the actual way children progress into kindergarten. When this is the case I just let them learn by experience instead of starting an argument. And I generally have a good chuckle to myself. It really is quite endearing.

We celebrate birthdays in a very special way and the children look forward to their day with great anticipation. Our birthday girl was super excited to have her mom come to class for the celebration. Unfortunately, is was very difficult for her when her mother had to leave to go back to work. I fully anticipated this great sorrow and did my best to comfort the sobbing child. 

This experience reminded me that I wanted to share with you what I consider to be a key parenting technique at which I often failed when my children were young. It seems so simple but is often very hard: acknowledging feelings. 

Young children are still learning about their feelings and often feel very strongly about things that we do not think matter very much (like having to wait to play with toy). They also may not understand their emotions (being angry when they are actually jealous, etc.). Often we think that by dismissing our child’s emotion (there’s no reason to fuss, it’s just a little paint on your hands) we are helping them cope. In fact, this often has the opposite effect. Think about how you feel when someone denies your feelings or tries to explain them away.

There’s no reason for you to be angry with your boss for taking away your vacation. After all, you are a new worker. You can go on vacation next year. You’ll be fine.

Of course, we would be furious if someone treated us like this. We don’t want to demean our children or deny their feelings just because we may have different feelings. So what can we do?

These suggestions come from the book How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber & Julie King. If you can only read one parenting book I highly recommend you read this one. Here’s what the authors suggest:

  • Acknowledge feelings with words. Name your child’s emotion and put it in a sentence. ‘Oh my, you are so sad that Sally said she isn’t your best friend today.’ ‘I see you are angry because you want to eat your Halloween candy for breakfast and we are having eggs.’ ‘It looks like you are feeling jealous because your sister got to sleep over at Grandma’s house and you have to stay home because you are sick.’ An important thing to remember when your child is dealing with negative feelings is that we want to help her learn to identify and express these feelings in acceptable ways. We must remember to acknowledge all feelings but to limit unacceptable behaviors. So we can help our child know ‘I see you are very angry that Bobby took your ball. You may not hit him to get it back (while you are removing your son from Bobby)’ Sometimes the idea that acknowledging your child’s feelings will help her get on with her day seems unbelievable. I have to say, that I’ve seen it work time and time again.
  • Acknowledge feelings with writing. Remember my birthday girl? She sobbed at recess (and I continued to acknowledge her feelings. ‘I can see how much you miss your mom. It makes you sad that she had to go back to work.’) and then through our book during circle time and as she was getting ready for lunch. So I decided to try another tactic – writing. First I want you to understand that this is a child who does not know how to read. It doesn’t matter. What did I do? I grabbed my handy pack of post-it notes. I told her, ‘we are going to write a note.’ She (and several of her friends) were intrigued. As I wrote I told her what I was writing. I really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY MISS MY MOM!!!!! I tore off the note and told her it was just for her. She put it to her chest and went to get in line. I don’t go down to lunch with the students but saw her after lunch when she happily skipped up to me and said, ‘Mrs. Bitts, I put my note in my lunch box!’ We can also use notes in other ways. If you have a child who has a hard time at the store because he wants you to buy him something, start a list. ‘We are at the grocery store for food but I can see you really would like me to buy that toy. Let’s start a list so grandma knows what you want for Christmas. We can keep it on the refrigerator at home.’ 
  • Acknowledge feelings with art. This is similar to putting feelings into writing. You can chose to draw a picture of how your child feels or let your child draw out her feelings. My eldest son is diagnosed with autism. School was often very difficult for him, especially when he was young. When I would notice he was in a bad place after school, we would get out the paper and markers and he would start drawing. He knew how to draw shapes and he gave them faces – happy, sad, angry, etc. After spending time drawing he would again be in a calm mood and we could have a positive evening at home. We didn’t necessarily have to talk about what was upsetting him. He didn’t always know, just that school was hard and gave him a lot of anxiety. Drawing helped him lose the negativity of school and remember that home was a happy, safe place.
  • Give in fantasy what you cannot give in reality. This can be a fun one! I have to admit I don’t always remember to use it though. One day one of my students wanted to play with our Light Brite but another child was busy using it. The child became very angry that he couldn’t play with it right away (this child has a lot of anger issues related to some early trauma). I acknowledged his feelings and then said, ‘Do you know what I wish? I wish I had enough Light Brite’s for the whole class to use at once.’ Well, he got a new look in his eye and ran with it. He responded, ‘I wish we had enough to fill up this whole classroom!’ We continued our wishes back and forth and got quite silly. After our conversation he went about finding something to do instead of flinging himself on the ground or physically acting out.
  • Acknowledge feelings with (almost) silent attention. Sometimes children just want you to listen to them without saying much. Oh? Hmmm. I see. All of these little words let your child know you are listening attentively to her. You aren’t trying to solve her problem or to ask a lot of questions to find out more. You can do that later when she is calm. Just listening is often enough to get a child through the difficult emotion.

The last think I want you to remember is that none of this is a magic pill that will keep your child from negative feelings. We all have negative feelings. What we hope to achieve are young people who understand their feelings and learn productive ways to handle them. As parents it is so horrible to see our children suffering. We all want to make it better. By trying to solve our children’s problems or by denying their negative feelings we are stealing valuable learning from them! When children are able to work through their feelings and ultimately their problems we are providing them with tools that will help them be successful throughout their lives, not just in the moment. 

The Battle Over Clothing

Posted on by mnurture

As a teacher of the very young, it is the first moments the children arrive at school that are always my favorite moments of the day. One of the things that the children like to bring to my attention is their attire. It may be that they want to show me a new necklace their mom let them wear to school or the fact that they are wearing a raincoat because it was raining. The children (all preschoolers) all have a definite style. I love to see how their style works with their personalities. We are a no judgement zone about clothing. When a child talks to me about his or her clothing I always respond enthusiastically with description instead of saying that I like or dislike something. This is because I want each child to take pride in his or her own choices, not in my likes or dislikes.

This week I listened to a podcast from the Baan Dek school in South Dakota about clothing and children. It’s certainly a hot topic with families who struggle with their children’s strong preferences surrounding clothing. You can listen to the podcast yourself below or continue reading for a quick synopsis.

Clothing choice is very personal. When we believe we look good, we feel good. Of course what we think looks good is very subjective which is why parent and children often have a lot of conflict over clothing choices. So what can we do to set up our children for success?

A little preparation can make things go a lot smoother.

We have to remember that children are very sensitive. Clothing made from soft fabrics are best. Tags, buttons, zippers and snaps are often bothersome for very young children. They also impede independence in young children who often wait until the last minute to go to the bathroom.

As adults we have everyday clothing and once-in-a-while clothing. We save the scratchy, uncomfortable, squeeze our toes clothes for those special occasions when we want to look really dazzling (and don’t mind being uncomfortable to achieve it). Children don’t have the same decision making skills. They see something they love and want to wear it. No matter that the tulle is scratchy, the heels are going to make them fall at recess or that the button pants are hard to undo. Better to put those fancy clothes out of sight during the every day clothing choice.

As parents one of the first things to think about are your own non-negotiable feelings surrounding your child’s clothing. Do you think your child has to match every day? Do you mind if she wears the same shirt several times a week? Do you think girls need to wear skirts? These choices are very individual and should be determined before you begin buying clothes for your children and giving them choices. Make the choices you give your child conform to your desires. If you need your child to match, buy only tops and bottoms that will all go together. If you want your child to express his personality, allow your child to pick freely from his clothing. By predetermining your must have’s you will eliminate a lot of pain and suffering from the equation. 

Remember these three principles when dealing with clothing issues:

  1. Children have a different sense of logic around attire than do parents. They don’t think like we do.
  2. Children aren’t concerned with style in the same way as adults. They love to mix horizontal stripes with vertical ones and add a tutu for good measure.
  3. Adults are more worried about what other people think then is generally true. We preschool teachers delight in the crazy clothing combinations and love to see the joy that children have in sharing their style.

Enjoy your child’s style and worry a little less about her looking the way you think is necessary. Give a few choices, stick with your non-negotiables and you all will have a little more happiness every morning before school!

The Child You’ve Got

Posted on by mnurture

I’ve often wondered how my husband and I created two children (both boys), born within 20 months of each other, who are so incredibly different. One is neat, the other messy, one loves to joke around, the other is quite serious. Even their art was divergent. They were only one grade apart in school and often came home after the same art lesson with two very different versions of the same project. I always had a chuckle about how their artwork reflected their personalities. 

The reality is that children are born with very set temperaments or personalities. Some are easier to parent than others. Many times children have the same temperament as their parent or parents and many times they do not. Understanding your child’s temperament will help you (and your nerves) as you work to parent your child.

There are lots of different theories about personality and temperament. I’m going to outline the nine characteristics that were studied by Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas. Hopefully by looking a little closer at these characteristics will help you understand your child a little better. This new consciousness about your child can help you be a little more intentional as you do the very difficult job of being a parent!

  1. Activity Level – the level of motor activity in each individual. If you have a child with a high activity level you know it! These are the kiddos who don’t sit still very well, who love to run (everywhere), jump, roll, and generally cavort most of the time. They love to be outside and have a difficult time sitting for books or group lessons. Low activity children generally love to sit for stories or art projects and often don’t enjoy the great outdoors.
  2. Rhythmicity – the predictability of biological functions (hunger, thirst, sleep, bowel movements). Children with unpredictable rhythmicity will benefit from regular routines.
  3. Initial  Response – the way a child responds to a novel situation or stimulus (new people, new school, new food, etc.) Learning to recognize your child’s unique cues (facial expressions, speech, crying, etc.) will help you respond in nurturing ways. Some children will need more support when faced with new situations while others won’t give you a second thought while they run off with a new friend.
  4. Adaptability – reaction to new situations over time, the ability to adjust and change. Some children need a lot of time before they adjust to a new food or new teacher. For others they happily adjust after one or two tastes of something new.
  5. Sensory Threshold – the level of sensitivity to sensory input. Waking at the slightest noise, sleeping through a thunderstorm; being bothered by a tag, refusing to play with play doh or to paint, loving to get messy, only liking room temperature foods. These are all different ways children can be more or less sensitive to sensory input.
  6. Quality of Mood – the way we react to life – a sunny disposition or finding fault with everything and everybody. If you have a child who tends toward the dark side of mood remember that this isn’t because of anything you did! Honor your child’s negative feelings and model ways of looking on the bright side.
  7. Intensity of Reaction – the way a child responds to situations around them. The school bell is right outside my classroom. When it rings (which it has done every day for 8 months) some students shout and throw themselves to the ground while others just continue working on their current activity. At this point in the year I don’t even respond, we just accept that each child needs to react in his or her own way and we get on with our day.
  8. Distractibility – the way an outside stimulus interferes with present behavior and willingness to be diverted. For some children distractions, whether large or small (hunger, a new person entering the classroom, the phone ringing) will divert their attention from the task at hand and they will not be able to get back to work easily or at all.
  9. Persistence and Attention Span – persistence is the willingness to continue working on an activity in the face of difficulty and attention span refers to the length of time one is able to focus on an activity.These two traits often go hand in hand. Children who have difficulty with these may need additional help and care to learn to build these traits.

We can all look at the above list and pick and choose the traits we would find more convenient to parent. It is important to understand that none of the above is good vs. bad. What is important is to recognize the type of temperament your child exhibits (and to think about your own, as well!) so you can pick and choose the best parenting tools that will work with the child you’ve got. It’s also important to remember that as parents we are working on improvement, not perfection. Using kindness and firmness with children of all temperaments will serve you and your child well. Kindness respects the child for who she is and firmness respects the needs of the situation. In this way you will help your child become a capable, confident, contented person. 

But I didn’t say it would be easy!

Social and Life Skills

Posted on by mnurture

Today I’m going to talk about the fourth need of children: social and life skills. The other needs I’ve talked about are a sense of belonging and significance, perceptions of capability and personal power and autonomy. I find this fourth need goes hand in hand with the second need – feeling capable. Social and life skills are so important for children in every level of their development and are necessary beyond the school years and into adulthood. So much of what we need to do as parents is to teach our children these skills. In fact, our children’s self esteem comes from their skills not from being loved, praised or showered with gifts.

The great thing about this need is that children under age six want to learn these skills often before we think they are able to learn. We have all experienced the two year old who refuses to allow the adult to help but instead says emphatically, “Me do it!” Toddlers and preschoolers are watching all the time. They want to imitate what they see. What do they see? They observe the everyday activities of the adults around them.

Four year old Sebastian is a high energy boy who is often seen zooming through the classroom. He also has some issues with anger management when things don’t go his way. One day he observed me cleaning the classroom easel which gets very dirty. “Can I help?” he asked. I showed him how to put water in the bucket, use the sponge and wet cloths to scrub off the paint and then the dry towel to finish up. He went to work with a vengeance. I watched him for a while and then when I saw his level of concentration, walked away to help some other students. After quite a long time Sebastian called me over to the easel. “Look, Mrs. Bitts! I cleaned it all!” He was beaming from ear to ear. We noticed together how all the paint was removed and he had cleaned the glass bowls and paint brushes until everything looked brand new. He had wiped the water off the floor and put away the bucket and dirty cloths. He had so much pride in himself and his accomplishment.

There are so many ways that we can help young children begin to accumulate skills. As they are learning to do things for themselves and to get along with their peers they are also gaining in self confidence. The book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk  describes six things we can do for our children to encourage autonomy.

  1. Let children make choices. By allowing our children to make limited choices when they are young we are helping them practice for more advanced choices they will be faced with as they grow older. Think about your child’s developmental stage and temperament when giving them choices – Do you want to take your bath before supper or after? Would you like to cut the bananas or wash the lettuce for dinner? 
  2. Show respect for a child’s struggle. Just because something seems easy for us doesn’t mean it is for the child. It can also be difficult to watch our children struggle. We often want to jump in and fix the problem right away. Instead, tell them what you see – It can be hard to zip up your jacket. I find if you fold the fabric back before you try to put the zipper together it can help. You weren’t sure you wanted to jump in the water at your swim lesson today but then you found the courage.
  3. Don’t ask too many questions. No one likes to be pestered. Instead, let your child know you want to hear about his experience or problem when he is ready to share – I’d love to hear about your day with grandma when you want to tell me. 
  4. Don’t rush to answer questions. Allow children to explore the answers for themselves, first – What an interesting question. Why do you think the moon looks so big tonight? I think we have a book about moons, why don’t you get it and we can look through it. 
  5. Encourage children to use resources outside the home. This one may be better for older children but it is important to help children understand that the world is full of information – Let’s ask the dentist how often you should brush your teeth. This also helps keep you from being the heavy all the time!
  6. Don’t take away hope. Young children are full of ideas about what they can do and will do. Let them dream – I want a horse! So you wish you could have a horse. Tell me about it. Of course this doesn’t mean you are going to buy a horse but allowing your child to expound upon his love of horses and dream about what he would do with one allows him to take pleasure in dreaming, anticipating and planning. 

What I want you to take from these posts about the four needs of children is awareness and intention. Be aware of the needs of your children. They are the needs you have as well! Think about a few things you can do to help your children with these needs. None of us is perfect and we will all fall short as parents (usually at least once a day!) but by taking the time to think about these needs you are on the path to giving your child a better head start in school and in life.

Personal Power and Autonomy

Posted on by mnurture

I’ve been talking about the needs of children. Today I want to discuss the third (and in many parent’s eyes the most annoying) need – personal power and autonomy. Yes, power. If you think children can’t possibly have power, just watch a young child at a grocery store, toy store or restaurant get what he wants. Better yet, think about the last time you had a really important phone call and your child would not go play by herself for 10 minutes (which she is very capable of doing). How is this power? 

Children are very savvy at getting what they want: attention, entertainment or avoiding things like cleaning up. Part of our job as parents is to help our children learn how to channel their power for the positive. To learn how to help solve problems, learn life skills and to respect and cooperate with others. Children quickly grow to develop autonomy (the second they start crawling away from you as a baby) and initiative (I can do it myself!). These are some of the first developmental tasks nature sets for them. With these tasks come the power struggles.

When we are faced with a such a power struggle it is tempting to use our own power and greater strength (we are bigger than they are, right?) to quickly squash the issue. We can just ‘make’ our children conform to our will, can’t we? Well, not really. In the short term, this type of authoritarian discipline may work depending on your child’s temperament. We want to think long term, however.

It is important to remember what kind of person we want our child to become. Of course we want our child to be happy but better still we all probably want him to also be competent, to be able to cooperate, solve problems, take initiative, help others, etc. Believe it or not, by learning some strategies early on, we will be helping our children to become more confident adults. 

Screaming, yelling and lecturing children is simply ineffective. Children don’t listen when they are feeling scared, hurt or angry. Punishment may get immediate results for the parent (but often it does not) but it simply stops the learning process in it’s tracks. What we want is to invite cooperation from our children. We want to avoid making them feel powerless. Powerlessness manifests itself differently in different children. In some, it makes them like limp rags – ‘I can’t do anything anyway so why try.’ Other children expend all their energy in negative ways to make sure they are powerful. These children are often the bullies we hear so much about. 

So does this mean we need to let our children have all the power, to do as they like? No. Permissive discipline is just as damaging as authoritarian discipline. We want a moderate approach. Montessori philosophy talks about freedom with limits. If we give our children the tools to be independent but also give them some limits to go along with their age and developmental level we will find them to (usually) be more cooperative and happy. 

–Get children involved. Allow them to help cook dinner, separate the laundry, wash the car. Not only do these things help children feel confident and competent, they get extra time with you which is the best gift we can give.

–Establish routines. Young children need order. By following basic routines whenever possible children can make better sense of their lives. No, you don’t have to live by a strict timetable. Keep a general routine. After waking up we eat breakfast, get dressed, pack our bags and drive to daycare. When children know what to expect they tend to be better at cooperating.

-Give limited choices. Make sure you are ok with the choices. Do you want to wear your green shirt or your blue shirt? Would you like vanilla or chocolate ice cream? Do you want to put your stuffed animal in your backpack on on the seat in the car? When your child refuses to comply with these choices but tries to negotiate others be firm. “You can wear your green shirt or your blue shirt. If you can’t choose I will choose for you.” Believe me, every child will try to find out if you mean what you say. Make sure you do!

In my next post I’ll talk about the fourth need of children and give you some more strategies to help make parenting a little easier and help your child become more confident and cooperative. For now, give these ideas a test run. Let me know how you fare!

-Information for this post was taken from the book ‘Positive Discipline for Preschoolers’ by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin and Roslyn Ann Duffy.